Dear Friend,
On yesterday's podcast, I showed a vulnerable side of myself and admitted that I'm fighting for my life. In the video, I shared more about my downward journey for the last three years, how I wonder if God will come through for me, and even if I heard Him correctly about leaving my career and moving to the Dallas area.
With no way forward in sight, I explained to the audience that I know how it feels to feel like I've failed for the first time in my life. Of course, this is a tough pill to swallow, especially since I obeyed my way into this cycle. In retrospect, my life was doing precisely what I wanted it to do before God invited me into new territory: I had the financial security, childhood dream job, peace of mind, and happiness. Back then, I felt as if I had finally broken several generational curses, and now it feels like I've unlocked so many more.
Since this is the year of exposure, I'd like to expose myself. I'm terrified. While I thought that 2021 was the most horrific year of my life, it was nothing compared to 2023/2024. The decision to shift my life from academia to the unknown and the decision to migrate from the West Coast to the South have each left a bitter taste in my mouth. Why? Because the journey has been hard, the attacks have been great, and I've yet to receive anything for my obedience.
As I sit on my couch writing to you, I do so with the horrible feeling that the world has continued on without me because my life has stopped. Not stopped because I sat on the sidelines, but stopped because God snatched me out of the race. Yet, I've never stopped running.
I'm running towards something with every video and teaching. While I can't see it, I pray that it's running towards me too. Please, God, let it be running towards me too.
Yesterday, I also shared that hell has turned up their attacks. More specifically, spiritual intimidation. I recently had a dream where a man I've never met told me, "The safest place for you is to return to your grandmother's house." This, of course, was intimidation because we all know that my grandmother's house was a generational home for me. It was the seat of my maturation and the place where four generations of women lived at one point. It was also the place where witchcraft was practiced, and it represents my lineage.
So why would an unknown man appear to warn me in this way? Intimidation. Hell wants to intimidate me into not progressing forward. They want to silence me because they have a vested interest in the bloodline. They want to kill me, but somehow, God keeps telling me to live.
I say all this to say there's no way that I can talk to you about The Uncommon Life of a Believer, which is the series we are in this month, without talking to you about the backside of the promise. When I moved from Vegas, the physical desert, to Dallas, I thought the drought in my life was over. I had hoped that my relocation would signal an ascension or even an inflection point; however, it hasn't. I've traded one desert experience for another. And while I do plan on seeing His plan through, I can't say that I'm not heartbroken by the journey.
I thought that He would have opened a door for me by now. I thought that those prophetic words would've come to pass by now. I thought I'd be happy again by now. But with every passing day and hour, the smile on my face fades into a blank stare. Every prayer offered seems pointless. I feel like I'm locked out of destiny, though I show up for it every day. And yet, the pain of the journey pales in comparison to my curiosity about the future.
The only reason I haven't given up by now is because of God working through me. This is not the work of my hands; you see my willingness. And we know the Bible tells us that "If you are willing and obedient, you will eat the good things of the land; but if you resist and rebel, you will be devoured by the sword" (Isaiah 1:19-20). This Bible has to be true for the sake of the gospel. God cannot lie because He put His word above Himself and promised that His word would not return to Him void.
So, while I cannot believe that this is the current state of my life, I do not ask that you pity me; I ask that you pray for me.
And, if you're going through what feels like an impossible time and hanging on by a thread, make sure it's the hem of His garment because you might be on the backside of the promise.
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