CONFIDENCE & THE ILLUSION

Over the past few weeks, your girl has been releasing A LOT of things that were obviously suppressed. It felt like the Holy Spirit was telling me, “Purge baby purge.” I must admit that I wasn’t ready to face what needed to be released head on, or so I thought. Before you read any further, know that this situation took place after obeying an instruction from God to move to a specific city.

Last week, I had a conversation with one of my good girlfriends. As always, I was turned every way but loose. In a good way. I expressed to her something weird that I was experiencing. I mentioned how the past few weeks I’ve been finding myself mentally rehearsing old word curses that were spoken over me and I didn’t know what triggered them.

Let me give a little bit more context. I am a beautifully, deeply melanated, black woman. However, growing up I experienced much bullying because of my complexion. That led to a plethora of insecurities. Yet, I also had a deep desire to be in the fashion industry which is an industry who praises beauty.

In our conversation, she asked me to repeat what I had been rehearsing. I took a long pause. I tried to swallow my tears. She said to me, “You might as well gon’ head and cry cause you been crying this entire time.” I told her that I hadn’t been crying, and I that I was only tearing up. We both burst into laughter.

Finally, I cried, and I told her what I had been rehearsing. “You’re black and ugly.” We both paused. She asked, “Now, how does that sound after you’ve said it out loud.” I laughed and said, “Silly.” She then helped me realize that I was triggered by something, and that I had to find out what that trigger was. She also expressed that she could never tell that I had experienced insecurities this deep because of my confidence. This is when it hit me.

Instead of trying to fix what I was experiencing, I decided to sit with it and acknowledge my feelings. I told God that I wasn’t going to try to make this moment one of logic or spiritualization. I was going to tell Him the emotion I was experiencing which was fear, doubt, and sadness. This is also known as emotional intelligence.

In doing so, I realized that it was time to let go of what was no longer conducive for the season I was standing in. Now, remember I mentioned that this took place after obeying an instruction from God to move to a specific city. The conversation with my girlfriend happened last week. You do the math.

When I moved to the city God instructed me to go to, I prayed and asked God to help me let go of the habits and mindsets that would no longer be fruitful in this season and that were hinderances hidden by grace. Little did I know, He would have me break up for good with word curses. I would often combat them with God’s Word until He reminded me to also acknowledge the real emotions I had experienced with them.

The conversation with my friend helped me recognize that what was being rehearsed was not an indicator of lacking confidence. It was an alert to be acknowledged and to come out of agreement with them. Confidence isn’t about not having any insecurities or being the loudest in the room. Confidence is about acknowledgement. I acknowledged what didn’t feel right. I acknowledged what was said. I acknowledged what emotion I was feeling.

The illusion of confidence is believing that you lack it when emotions such as fear, doubt, or sadness arise. To possess confidence is to acknowledge all the emotions that are a part of your complex human and divine experience.

 The goal isn’t to eliminate any emotions that seem threatening to our confidence. Maybe, just maybe, the goal is to acknowledge the presence of confidence in every emotion.