I am a recovering control freak. What I mean is that I’m in the process of negotiating a healthy balance as I realize that I don’t have as much control as I previously thought. See I have always been the one to pride myself on having everything together, or mostly together. If one area of my life was out of alignment then I would throw much of my efforts into that area in an attempt to tie up the loose ends. I mean I had my life under control, until one day I didn’t.
This is a tough reality for me because I thought I mastered the art of juggling various lifestyles and proclivities. I thought that I knew the answers to the tough questions and passed the test with flying colors, and then 3 months ago God showed me who was really boss.
I think the common misconception for me has been that God will not pull my “surrendered” card. Simply put, I thought that I had done enough Christian duties to fly under the radar of correction. Of course I thought I didn’t live by works alone but I did, and subconsciously I believed that I was operating very highly. Then, reality kicked in and God showed some of his cards.
He demanded a level of obedience from me that I hadn’t previously known. He asked me to trust him with an area that I’ve always controlled…my finances. In the past, the area of my struggle was relational, but I’ve since overcome that space. See, I’ve learned over these past couple months that you really don’t know how much you believe what you believe until it is tested. Until you have to say yes in an area that hurts, that will leave you embarrassed, and possibly alone. When God commands your control it is a hard thing. In fact, when he demanded this area from me it seemed like everything else spiraled out of control.
One by one things started dropping off. One by one I started dropping off and began freak out because now it wasn’t just one thing that fell but everything. My emotions were high and at times very low. There were moments when I knew that I would just die off and be the laughing stock of my circle because God was stripping me, and in his stripping I began to see the truth about myself even more.
I used to think losing control was about trust, and it is, but it is also about discovery. It is about coming into an unsettling knowledge about yourself and overcoming it. It is about living a life that demands that you live better and choose better. It is about losing the perception of yourself in your mind.
This has been a tough season for me. There are so many loose ends dangling in the wind and it is hard not to be able to tie them in a bow. Perhaps the bow isn’t as beautiful as I once imagined though. Maybe the images in my mind have worked against me for so long that I believed them over the word of God. Maybe, just maybe I’m coming into the truth about God and the way he operates to get the most out of his investment.
Whatever the case may be, I am learning to abide even in the midst of pain. Abide even when it seems like the current cycle will never end. Abide even when I want to give up. Perhaps, just perhaps, this will be the beginning of a beautiful journey in the spirit.